That Funky Monkey (Grass)

I have a love-hate relationship with monkeys. Let me explain.

Have any of you seen the Kristen Bell sloth video on Ellen? If you haven’t, it’s seriously worth watching.

I think I enjoyed it so much not only because Kristen and Ellen are fabulous, but also because I can relate. I had a similar experience a few summers ago when Trent surprised me and his family with a special photo shoot with a real life monkey during our vacation.

A REAL LIFE MONKEY.  All my life, I have had a small obsession with monkeys.  As a child, I had a special stuffed animal monkey named Moe that I put diapers on, dressed up and took everywhere with me.

I’m not sure Trent even knows this, but I seriously still have Moe in my closet and he will be coming with me to the new house. As I am typing, I am realizing how weird this is but whatever, I’m over it.

Here is me, Trent and the adorable Chimp with shorts on. Are you kidding me? They put shorts on him. Gahhhhh. Adorable.

Seconds after my new beloved friend was taken away from me at the photo shoot , I broke down in front of Trent’s family in tears. I’m sure they thought I had some serious issues – and I might.  All my life I have wanted to hold a monkey, and finally, Trent made my dreams come true. (Is it weird that some girls dream of weddings and love, and all I needed was a primate?) Like Kristen Bell said, I didn’t know how to cope with all these emotions and I literally began sobbing.

Fast forward a few years later and I’m encountering a whole new type of monkey. It is one I can still cry over, but not a happy, magical, dream-coming-true cry.

Lining our driveway and a few random spots in the backyard is this grass called Liriope, more commonly known as monkey grass. Seriously what is it? What is the point? What are we supposed to do with it? And why is it called monkey grass? There is nothing cute about it.

Ben, our contractor from B&G calls it the cockroach of grass.

My first encounter with monkey grass consisted of taking out a weedeater and literally buzzing it off. I did zero research and had no idea what I wanted it to look like – I just wanted it to go away.

 Our only goal currently is to simply cut it down so it at least looks cleaner.

 I did look online and saw a type of monkey grass that sprouts purple flowers. Pretty right? Well our grass is growing what I’m sure are toxic berries.  If I hadn’t seen Into the Wild, I am pretty positive I would eat, and then die from, these poison-berries.

Do you have any advice on out to get rid of this mess? Fill out the contact form below with any tips, tricks or tales of your monkey fights.

Side Note: I promise that I don’t carry Moe around like he is my love child. He just sits in my closet. Pinky swear. So please don’t call My Strange Addiction on TLC. Thanks.

You Leaf-Bagging Son of a B*tch

Hi. Our names are Trent and Alyssa. And we have a leaf problem. Every time we seem to get control of it, somehow the leaves just show up. It’s not that we want them to – we just can’t help it. We’ve tried to quit. But it seems hopeless. The meetings seem to be helping…

Below you’ll find a step by step guide to Alyssa’s leaf-bagging strategy. I think it’s pretty genius, but that could be simply because I’m partial to burritos. Nonetheless, I’ll be referring to Alyssa as Bagger Vance every autumn for the foreseeable future. I’ve told her she should go to the special school for leaf-bagging wizards: Bagwarts.

Tools and Gear You’ll Need:

• Ryobi Lawn & Leaf Bag
• Small Tarp
• Rake
• 55-Gallon Contractor Bags
• Gloves (only if your hands aren’t already hardened like those of a grizzled sailor)

Step 1: Set up your Ryobi Lawn and Leaf Bag

Step 2: Get a small tarp – this is a 6′ x 8′ tarp* folded in halvsies. Put it on the ground. Beside the leaves.

Step 3: Rake the leaves onto the tarp. It is usually better to have your wife or girlfriend do this while you take photos and drink a beer.

Step 4: Pick up the corner of the tarp to roll it up. Like a burrito.

Step 5:  Start making that leaf burrito.

Step 6: Pick up that delicious deciduous delicacy

Step 7: Put the whole thing in the Ryobi bag.

Step 8: Pull up the sides of the plastic bag to prevent spillage.

Step 9: Pull out the tarp, relegating those leaves to a bewildered state. Stupid leaves.

Still confused, dum-dum? Check out the video for more heart-pounding action:

*Note: I say the tarp is a 9′ x 12′ in the video. I lied. It’s a 6′ x 8′.

unbe-LEAVE-able

We knew going into this that we would be doing a lot of work on the inside of the house, but I failed to consider the amount of work the outside of the house needed. Since we were still working on plans for the inside of the house, Trent and I decided to get started with the outside.

Now, I’m not saying I can fully appreciate what sort of jungle our boys faced in the 60s when they got to ‘Nam, but I have to think I have a better idea now.

What our yard lacked in grass, we made up for in bamboo, ivy, leaves, dirt patches, monkey grass and crab grass. So many types of grass, but no good, regular grass. Having no grass is a terrible problem. Just ask anyone who listens to Phish.

Our house had been vacant for about six months before we bought it and not particularly well-manicured prior to that, so we had a big project ahead of us. We have almost a half-acre and every inch of the lot was in need of some love.

The above depicts the random patch of bamboo we had growing in the back yard. Oh wait, bamboo grows in North Carolina? Ummm yes. Yes, it does. Right in our own back yard. I know what you are thinking and I’m with you – we need to order us some pandas.

Here is the back yard view. There is  a random pile of leaves someone cobbled together. Maybe it was a kindly neighbor. Maybe it was God. Maybe it’s the leaves learning to work together to plot our demise.  Either way, the only good use for this amount of yard waste is the rapid decomposition of a dead body. (Note: I’m on a Dexter kick on Netflix right now).

Do you guys have any advice on tackling this thing? Does anyone have a tractor and/or panda I can borrow?