tubthumping | young house idiots

Have you ever had the opportunity to fight an armored gladiator to the death in a coliseum and then turn to the stunned spectators to ask whether they have found your actions amusing?

Me either.

But recently, I did don this same ancient Roman garb when presented with the opportunity to demolish the cast iron bathtub in our house. If you’ve never had a chance to determine whether or not you are literally stronger than iron (it turns out I am), I highly recommend you try smashing a tub. It doesn’t even have to be a tub you need to demolish – just go find a tub in your friend’s or parent’s place and sneak in a sledgehammer. Trust me, they will forgive you when they see how powerful you are.

For a few pointers on how you can overcome the strength of one of the hardest materials known to man,* keep reading below. Special thanks to Tara for the heads up on how to tackle this – this isn’t exactly the safest task in the world.

Tools and Gear You’ll Need:

12-lb. sledgehammer
Mason’s club hammer (I prefer the steel Blacksmith hammer – it’s like a pointy, child-size sledgehammer)
Old blanket or cloth tarp
Safety goggles
Earplugs or other hearing protection
Respirator (optional – depends how much you mind breathing tub dust)
Strong arms or additional personnel to help you haul off the scraps

Step 1: Remove the glass doors and the poorly installed frame. This requires a small amount of brains and a screwdriver. Easy enough that I won’t bother explaining. Just don’t drop the glass doors on the tile floor. They are heavy and tile and glass don’t play nice.

Step 2: Wet the blanket or tarp and lay it over as much of the tub as possible, making sure to cover the outer edge completely. This will keep porcelain and iron shards from flying all over the place. Like in your mouth and eyeballs.

Step 3: Use the Mason’s Club or Blacksmith hammer to crack the center of the outer rim. You will feel like you are hitting it insanely hard. The tub will laugh at you. Keep smashing. If you have space in the bathroom, you can try to use the 12-lb. sledgehammer but be wary of nearby walls, sinks, etc. Once the outer rim is cracked, continue to smash along the tub’s equator until you’ve effectively split it in half. Like so:

Step 4: Continue to smash the now weakened tub into pieces small enough that you can carry with your exhausted arms. Notice below I’m using the big-boy hammer at this point. What you can’t see is that I’m sweating profusely and struggling to breathe through my Peters Sarsgaard-brand SARS-guard. It’s also important to keep using the wet blanket each time you swing the hammer as a precaution. It’s annoying but believe me – there’s a lot of sharp debris flying around.

Step 5: Seriously, be careful swinging sledgehammers in tight spaces. Thankfully we’re going to be getting rid of the sink too. Turns out I’m a little smash-happy.

Step 6: Finish what you started, revealing some sort of animal nest that has been constructed between the tub and the studs. Raise the animal as your own. Hope that it produces eggs or milk that can be consumed for nutrition.